TOUCH: Mother of the Senses
the most regulated, controlled as well — and a key determiner of intimacy
by Marcia Singer, MSW, CHt
Touching one another may be our first and most primary means of bonding, essential for deep communion. Yet we’re seldom conscious of it as a language, or aware of ourselves communicating. Called “the mother of the senses,” it invisibly influences whether we’ll feel at home in our bodies or not.
Our early touch experiences can impact us for a lifetime. Few parents notice which touches truly say “I care,” or seem to say “I’m wary” or “beware.” Our judgements of one another also are telling in our touches, and contribute to making us feel tense and alienated. Fortunately, we also have natural capacities for connection and for healing via physical touches. We instinctively recognize the easy release that comes in a friendly hug, pat on the back, squeeze of the hand or a heartfelt kiss given without expecting anything in return.
Touching just for the joy and pleasure of it is nature’s own remedy, but too few grownups are consistent or spontaneous. We touch to evoke a certain response from a child, to control others, or even get attention for ourselves. Touch deprivation can bring multi-generational harm, including parents who touch their children seductively. Such invasive, confusing communication can impair a child’s ability to relate intimately for many years to come.
Touch is a primary means of bonding and sharing love, but millions remain deprived and depraved. Cultural and religious legacies have confused the innate sensual, sexual, pleasure-making and feeling-generating aspects of touch with sinfulness and co-called animalistic, lower natures. Teachers worry that comforting and affirming hugs to students may have inappropriate connotations. Children’s innocent explorative touches, or uninhibited loving touches may be misconstrued as ‘bad,’ and automatically punished, assuring another generation of cautious, hesitant, self-distrusting touchers. Yes, it’s challenging to provide youth with societal guidelines for how to touch ‘appropriately’ in public, without shaming or harming their spirit and self-esteem. But it’s so necessary to become aware of the matter, and seek education.
Studies have shown that touch deprivation is endemic, with the U.S. and Great Britain among the most touch phobic societies. Tactile neediness and feeling disconnected can mean living in quiet desperation, but can also drive some people to violent acts. A more common effect is to withhold showing affection. Touch deprivation can contribute to impotence or frigidity — “splitting off” from our bodies. Our hugs get stiff when suspicious of another’s motivations. Ironic: we’re designed to thrive with the right kinds of touches, and yet humans frequently limit that expression, inhibiting the peacefulness, playfulness and vibrant health that’s also inherent.
Our loving, freely expressed touches covey messages of welcome and safety to Be, or fear, abandonment, danger. Touch awareness requires conscious attention. Kindness, presence in physical contact can reduce shyness, irritability, workaholism, sexual dysfunction, eating disorders, substance abuse, and power issues stemming from a lack of early bonding. A loving touch can save a life: I know, it saved mine.
Be kind and patient with yourself, your kids, family and friends as we learn how to be responsive, honest, caring touchers. Explore the full, healthy range of touch, physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. It is our birthright
