THE SHUCKLE: making peace with a once-forbidden Jewish dance… by Marcia Singer, MSW
“Marcia Sue, stop that shuckling!”
I still hear that voice so clearly in my head, and that Yiddish word, but don’t recall who it belonged to. Only how my habit of rocking myself in the car (and other places) was a cause for disapproval — even some alarm, though I had no idea why. Maybe because as I rocked back and forth, getting lost in my own inner universe, sometimes I would make weird sing-songy sounds, to accompany the movements.
It seemed wrong to me then, to be asked –told — to stop shuckling; I wasn’t really hurting anyone, was I? And it felt bad to be disapproved of. I don’t remember if any guidelines about what to do instead, followed the demand (plea?) to cease. I guess I was supposed to be a proper young lady, sit still, and well, not make strange noises, or rock myself… Certainly not seem abnormal or disturbed, either.
Did I notice when the family went to services at shul, the rabbi, cantor and other Jewish men leading the Torah readings, moved back and forth, rhythmically as they prayed? This rocking too had a special word: davening (daa-ven-ing.) It was not only allowed, but dignified, considered a sign of being learned, and dedicated to G-d. Thinking back on it, sometimes the swaying, praying men seemed otherworldly, inhabiting –maybe sharing with each other, too — an interior holy place. Other times, it felt energetically to me that they were trying to get into that special space, not there yet, in which case their rocking might then be more kindred to my own suspicious-type shuckle, G-d forbid. Of course, I was too young and underdeveloped to have a clear concept of what I was sensing…
Cut back to today. I understand that my early behavior was a form of self-soothing, what brain specialists, and certain psychologists who study childhood trauma refer to as “self-regulating behavior.” I also have learned that it is a common response among traumatized kids. Maybe my parents and grandparents who became uncomfortable observing me shuckle, uneasy with the dysfunction I was dealing with, were triggered by it: Might they have become uncomfortable with themselves, stirred by their own dark, unexplored interior spaces? Or felt some insecurity about their parenting skills, in the face of this seeming aberration? Because they must have sensed that I was trying to comfort myself, maybe fix something? Re-connect to something? Or were my caretakers unable to see past my making myself so ‘strangely’ visible and audible: What would the neighbors think? –as Mommy often asked when disapproving of my appearance.
I also appreciate these days, another oddity of mine: That when I meditate, or lead meditations, or even assist a client into their own personal “deep dive,” to explore a habit pattern, a persistent uncomfortable feeling or hurtful thought –when I go within deeply, my body rocks me, back and forth, or sometimes, side to side –like a pendulum. Particularly when I am barefoot on sand or grass, but also seated out in nature this way, when I’m alone. I began to refer to this behavior of mine decades ago as “pendulum-ing.” And like the Jewish spiritual leaders in our local synagogue long ago who seemed not quite yet connected to their Heavens, sometimes I rock in some sympathetic discomfort as I try to guide my wards to find the harmony, peace, loving-kindness we seek from the therapeutic session.
Skip to last week. I was watching a QiGong DVD. The instructor began to demonstrate a meditative movement he called “swaying birch tree” — or something like that. He noted that when we are fully present (or spaced out, lol, in a good way?) and relaxed, connecting to the ground of Mother Earth, human beings sway, as if in the wind. I watched the QiGong master move gently to and fro, back and forth, side to side in no particular sequence. He allowed his inward experience of being Connected to move his body in a dance with his feet stationary on the ground… Well gee, that FELT like my pendulum-ing. Which is the same sort of felt experience I have with students and clients as I lead meditation –although I seldom have had the joy of doing that with others outdoors, or barefoot.
I have to conclude then, that my natural inclinations for self-care and nurture, and for expressing my experience of divine Connection –of Oneness with all life — have always been spot on, if not widely accepted as proper displays of social interaction. Luckily, as I grow elder, ‘things’ of old that mystified me about myself or made me ashamed, bother me less and less if at all. And sometimes they bring such blessing.
Today: I found out that the swaying, rocking, shaking during Torah praying is an old practice, going back as far as the 8th century. Sometimes it was encouraged, sometimes discouraged. For some devout Jewish men, it simulated copulating with Shekinah, the Feminine aspect of G-d, to reunite male and female aspects. Nice in theory, but of course, others considered it blasphemous, demonic. Oy.
From Jewish Museum Berlin’s website, curator Miriam Goldmann offers this: “According to the mystical text Zohar, a person’s soul emanates from divine light. Every time a Jew engages with the Torah, the light of his or her soul ignites, which is why he or she moves like the flame of a candle”…the body moving to the rhythm and focus of prayer.
Now this is an idea I can live with!
