The PSYCHOLOGY of ADDICTION
“All addictions begin and end with spiritual bankruptcy.” Dr. Kip Flock
Years ago, in a bold attempt to release some of my own inner turmoil, I set out to gain a better grasp on the issue of addictions. John Bradshaw’s now legendary work with addiction, family systems and the shamed “inner child” had moved me deeply and sent me scurrying to the first series of “codependency” workshops for therapists developed by Bradshaw and colleague, Kip Flock, Ph.D. Codependency was the word coined to describe the addictive-compulsive relationships that form between persons struggling with addictions, with unconscious enabling interactions and other “controlling” or “compliant” behaviors that keep the dysfunctional patterns in place. Codependent relations simulate parent-child relations, reproducing the hurtful dramas of our past in order that they may one day hopefully find healing. Ultimately, the painful sense of disconnection or enmeshment inherent in codependency traces back to a crisis of spirit: a loss of healthy relationship with the Divine Father-Mother. It’s about experiencing a fundamental disconnection from life’s inherent blessings, a crisis of belonging.
With the multiple crises of our times — -disease, economic fallout, looming climate catastrophes, schools closed and home schooling pressures, anomie, social distancing, and alternately isolation or stifled proximity to others in the home — — few American men (or women) are prepared to emerge healthy, with their relationships intact or even improved by shared struggle. Whatever codependent tendencies men had with their significant others pre-pandemic, are exacerbated now. Whatever failures in men’s would-be loving relations that drove them to escapism before, are driving many to the edge now. There is a desperate need for understanding, for help, for reasons to have faith in a better tomorrow. For knowing how to bridge the gap.
Bradshaw and Flock proposed that unhealed relationship issues underlie all addictions, leading to a bankruptcy of spirit. Flock subsequently developed a therapeutic Recovery system called Original Pain Work. Other top educators joined in to develop a viable psychology for understanding and transforming addictions into new life possibilities.
Addictions are complex patterns involving primarily unconscious processes. They are based in “free floating” anxiety, rather than specific, conscious fears which may be addressed and relieved directly. Addictions promise a way to relieve the stress, alter the anxious mood, but only temporarily. While addicts are aware of feeling driven to satisfy a hunger or dissatisfaction inside, they attach that drive to something outside themselves, something that seems to “fix” the uneasiness. Any behavior or activity then can become an addiction, including obsessive thoughts and compulsive actions. Addictive behavior becomes a kind of ritual to ward off trouble. The addict attaches to a person, place or thing that is believed, wrongly, to offer the cure.
And with the patriarchal societal emphasis on being macho, on avoiding vulnerable feelings or looking within and further, a troubled man is stuck with having to appear having it all together, and not needing help. And if he is not educated otherwise, he will follow the societal penchant for assigning blame for his predicament, either having to blame himself, or blame someone else in his life — -or the government. Blame itself just keeps the patterns in place. American males stay addicted, shamed, angry or depressed. All that energy for living an authentic, more fulfilling life is thwarted. The addict senses this, but feels trapped. And in fact is trapped: by his conditioning.
Anything can become associated with addictive ritual: food or alcohol, work, lover relations, fitness workouts, smoking, smartphones and TV watching. Even religious practices may become addictions if we project all our own power or responsibility for change onto an outside source, hoping to relieve deep insecurities. This is different from surrender, from the “letting go and letting God” we learn later to embrace, as we take steps to reach inside ourselves to accept healthy change. Growth entails self- discovery, especially the joy of discovering we are “enough” after all. Pursuing the addictive path never brings this realization. It cannot satisfy a man’s true hunger for passionate and authentic engagement with life. This kind of nourishment depends upon trust: of yourself, others, and of life itself.
Men who are addicted don’t quite trust being who they are, or expressing that honestly and clearly. Their lowered self-esteem is usually learned early in life, most often from primary caretakers who learned from their own. Sadly, this disempowerment is the norm in our “shame-based” culture. Distrust of deep feelings, distrust of our bodies, ancient split offs between our minds, bodies and hearts can only produce a deep sense of disconnect, ultimately a disconnection from Source. The experience of disconnection is the root of all anxiety, and therefore of addiction. It’s the source of our heartache.
As we’ve seen, our addictive relationship patterns attempt to fix or control connection anxiety. We express them in two basic ways: either we’re stuck in pleasing and compliant behaviors, or in being on the take. Pleasers (pursuers) try to close a gap and avoid feeling/being abandoned or rejected, while those they’re trying hard to please (distancers) work to keep enough ‘space’ around them to avoid feeling/being attacked, smothered or devoured.
Our psychology for understanding addictions reveals that underlying our acts is our basic human need to give and receive love, and to be respected and cherished for who we really are. We want to know that we are valuable just as our Maker designed us. Not feeling essential worthiness, we become insecure, no longer believing it safe to express our true selves. It’s easy to see how the lack of trust creates a deep hunger that, bottom line, all addictions are trying to fix.
The solutions lie in education, and then in commitment to living fully and honestly. It requires faith, and a support system to stabilize that trusting approach to life. The list of pains that an addictive lifestyle can host are lengthy, including self loathing, rage, loneliness and depression, paranoia, burn out, perpetual space out and feelings of isolated despair. With sobered intention to succeed, to be well, we can turn this hopelessness into renewal, into celebration. We can get the help we need, and discover the peace of contributing our unique gifts and talents. Best of all, we find the freedom to BE the gift we came here to be.
[Originally published in STEPS for Recovery, Jan. 2004. Revised Jan. 2021.]
