The Grace of “Non-demand” Touch:
Sensate focusing to the rescue!
by Marcia Singer, MSW, CHt
Q: Lovemaking with my partner has become predictable and unromantic, I’m ashamed to admit. What’s the way out of our intimacy rut? — “Rusty”
A: Kudos on opening up for help for reviving your shared lovemaking. Many couples get into disappointing routines and feel awkward discussing intimate matters. Fortunately, there’s a special therapy to help restore passion, and enhance what’s already working: sensate focus─ most successful if guided initially by a trained therapist. The process involves a sequence of mindful exercises. Each session engages curiosity, creativity and natural pleasures, renewing physical and emotional bonding.
Touch is the ‘mother’ of the senses, but our education is woefully meager. Especially about touch roles in creating pleasure and soulful connection (beyond sexual arousal implications) or alternately, pain, shame and alienation. So sensate focusing begins with education, and retraining attention. Each exercise has roles for a Toucher/Do-er who actively explores, and a Touchee/Receiver who passively attends. There’s no talking. Active means creating sensations and visual stimulation, beginning with the Toucher freely exploring nooks and crannies, surfaces, textures of their partner’s hand, both palm and back side with their own hand. Playful creativity is encouraged: think first time ever. Get fascinated. Shift from eyes open to closed: what changes?
Vital to that initial guided encounter is the concept of touching for your own pleasure. Can you stop wondering what your partner is feeling, or thinking about you? Stay mindfully present, interested in the hand for fifteen or twenty minutes? If that sounds daunting, you’re not alone. Yet if you can slip into comfortable Beginner’s Mind mode, staying engaged becomes easy, enjoyable, even revelatory, life-changing. You realizs that the secret to being a great lover is in the ability to be fully present, interested, and open-hearted.
First time Receivers of the hand-to-hand play are often surprised that it’s never boring or annoying, but deeply relaxing. And interesting. Different areas of the hand offer a variety of sensations, –some neutral, some comforting, others erotic. Extra benefit? Lovemaking worriers discover that when you’re being responsible for your own pleasure, and honestly enjoy yourself, your partner may enjoy your enjoyment too! What’s more? S/he feels desired by you, attractive and lovable, relieving you both of your usual performance anxieties.
As therapy proceeds, couples/partners explore touching the head, hair and face, feet, then backsides, front sides. Breasts and genitalia are last. Along the way, the opportunity for Receivers to rate the pleasure-ability of particular touch moves comes into play: 0–5 for yuk or so-so, to 5 and ooooh, do that some more… Touchers may also inquire, “How about this? Over here more, less? Fingertips? Taps?”
During exercises, we choose very small areas to touch, using simple repetitive movements. This allows degrees of pleasure and kinds of sensations to be registered more accurately –a truly unique and special opportunity. Agreeing to the rule of not engaging in coitus during the exercises themselves, keeps the touch ‘safe’ and ‘non-demand.’ Afterwards, as passion and love is rekindled, by all means.
Loving touches, hugs and kisses are essential to our well-being, our happiness. Give and receive Thanks for them abundantly throughout the year. Shining deLight, Marcia
