Mindful, not mindless Confrontation gets the best results!
When I dislike what someone else is expressing, before I kneejerk and point a disapproving finger to blame, shame or defame them for paining me, I try to pause, breathe, and ask myself: “What’s the root source of this discomfort?” Cherished values and related needs await my deeper acknowledgment and commitment to fulfill. Blaming others, by contrast, keeps us in a blame/shame stress loop, and raises cortisol levels.
True, emotional distress often results from somebody being unkind, disparaging, hateful or accusatory. It’s natural to react, protectively. Our default, primal, fight, flight or freeze programming kicks in. But I don’t want to be stuck there; especially if I’m not really in danger, but have been triggered by past experiences and habits, making me feel vulnerable. Pausing to consider what I value and what I am needing here and now allows beneficial actions. And if I were actually in danger, I’d want my wits about me to meet the situation in an empowered way. This can mean having to stretch a comfort zone to speak up about that nasty, misinformed or endangering thing I witnessed. But can I confront it with respect? With willingness to understand why they assert that point of view, or chose that medium of expression? The concept of “beginner’s mind” helps me extend the benefit of a doubt. Its fresh, curious, non-judgmental orientation opens me to learning, to caring, to healing.
Yesterday, a note hung on our community bulletin board, sharply reprimanding a “thief” who “stole” food placed by our mailboxes for a USPS food drive, for breaking the 8th Commandment and for “moral bankruptcy.” OK, but might there also be a scarcity story there — driving the greed or need to take what was meant for “needy people”? What needs healing rather than cancelling? And lol, as I refrain from condemning my blaming neighbor’s condemnations, I can instead wonder why s/he cares so much?
Feeling compassion may not come easily, yet it’s the natural outflow of an opened Heart. I’ll practice pausing more often to ask what I’m really reacting to, when I condemn. What do I value, need and commit to, now, to nurture or take care of myself? And be less squirmy about confrontations.
