#MeThree:
Can the #MeToo movement grow beyond blame and shame?
Marcia Singer, MSW
It’s time that we humans wake up and get woke about sexuality. Get about the business of actually healing from the many kinds of injuries we incur through sexual misconduct, injustice and abuse, a world of predators and prey.
Recovery can never be complete as long as blame is the main game being played. To date, establishing blame and demanding retribution is about as far as most go. What’s omitted are systemic, societal and familial systems of patriarchy that harm women and men, making both unable to establish harmonious, respectful, loving and intimate relationships that last. That make sharing power feasible. That make trusting honesty and vulnerability with each other, a rule rather than an exception. What’s missing in the #MeToo movement has been practices that lead to healthy self-regard, compassion for self and others, reliable ways to tend hearts, to overcome deeply ingrained habits of fear, and of course, actual communication skills to assure connection, and resolve conflicts.
A first step in the healing process is the admission of wounding. This is not a simple given. Often, those injured take years to speak up about what happened to them. And perpetrators who harbor guilt or who deny any wrongdoing may never fess up, and thus never have a chance to shift; to discover the pain-induced roots of their violent reactions to their evident or latent frustrations, hurts and perceived injustices.
First steps necessitate identifying who’s responsible for what. But this does NOT mean assigning ‘blame’: one person/side is totally right, the other is totally wrong. This essential step of taking response-ability for our own choices, expectations, actions and results is usually missing in our culture, in our reporting, in our attempts to heal. (It’s mostly invisible in understanding roles we victims play in making our awful choices. But full accountability establishes new, hallowed ground for learning, repairing, shifting painful habits. It breathes new life into our bones. Into sexual sensibility.
Once personal accountability is established─ for designated victim as well as victimizer, the healing process can move forward. Each participant may be able to find common humanity, see themselves in one another. I know, it seems like a huge stretch, and it is at first! In my decades of struggling to identify and heal from injuries to my sexual goddessy sensibilities, I see the process as similar to Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief, including angry rage, addictive self-soothing, denialism, and repentance for my own ignorance and bad habits before finding peace, acceptance; before realizing the gifts hidden within the painful experiences, gifts of wisdom for my own path, and to offer clients and students, struggling to find their own way.
My heroines and heroes on the #MeThree trail are all the women and men, girls and boys everywhere around the world, who are brave enough to come forward to begin healing, to tell their stories, and stick to the Path at every turn. And I salute those courageous listeners and caretakers, especially those ready to exchange blaming for kindness, loving.
My own difficult journey proved to me that victims of sexual misconduct and our victimizers, prey and predators alike are an energetic match: Ultimately, we’re all victims of a malfunctioning culture. So we keep on hurting one another, through generations. Victims and their abusers are energetically drawn to one another. Shockingly so! But in time, we find that to be not only a match made in hell, but in heaven. In time, we come to terms with the injuries, understand their roots, and become wiser and stronger, even grateful for the rough passages.
It’s time for the #MeToo movement to grow up. Become more response-able. Stop blaming, start healing, exchanging suffering for love.
