MALE DOMINANCE, Andrew Cuomo, outbreaks of toxic patriarchy… and what must be done (that just ain’t happening yet)
With the scandal over N.Y. Governor Andrew Cuomo alleged sexual harassment of multiple women all over the news, many are applauding. They argue he should not be able to continue in office, and have demanded he step down. Others, less vocal, argued with Cuomo, that he was just behaving in a normal way, according to rules he has always held personally, about how to show appreciation for those around him.
Yesterday he gave up his fight to keep his job, still arguing his innocence, but guessing the lines about acceptable behavior in the work place have shifted somehow, while he wasn’t looking.
It’s high time that we, concerned citizens world over, examine patriarchal male dominance and protest its dominion over females and children. But discouraging abuse of power and sexual expression requires more than the usual condemnation, punishment or sympathy, more than taking sides.
Real change in this global phenomenon will require compassionate probing into beliefs and habit patterns that give rise to unwanted behaviors. A focus on simply labeling actors as either victims or victimizers, and recounting their dramas — often in lurid detail — overlooks complexities of human relations. Why do perpetrators seek power over others, disrespect, violate? How do disempowered victims become vulnerable matches? Both of these probes are absent largely from any public discussion, any news reporting. Any op eds.
In 1980, as a singer-entertainer in Hong Kong, I let myself be “innocently” lured into the Hilton’s presidential suite after hours by an insistent, wealthy patron. I was insecure, needy and too “nice” to risk displeasing him. A five-hour sexual assault unfolded; I was too ashamed and scared to report it.
The post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that attached itself to my life for years after, eventually prodded me to recognize roles that my upbringing and prior experiences played. Among the many realizations I had, was a basic truth: when basic intimate needs for connection go frightfully unfulfilled, we can be put in harm’s way.
And this is true for both parties in a harassing or abusing situation. The molesters and violators are victims too, but you have to really go deep and wide within yourself to realize it. And be able to become part of our solutions, rather than perpetuators of the problem.
Fortunately, I’m now empowered to follow my own instincts, seldom seek favor from powerful men. In this way I help add to the health of my world around me. I also dedicated myself to professionally help men and women learn how to become responsible to themselves, and to each other, so their intimate needs for connection, love, affection, respect and support can be fulfilled.
