HEDGING BETS.

Using NVC (nonviolent communication) successfully to resolve a conflict with a nasty neighbor during the pandemic.

It happens all the time: someone does something unexpected, even unthinkable, that hurts you. That impacts your world, where you live. This literally happened in my life in March 2020. The incident triggered past traumas in which I felt alone, unwanted, unsafe, and “othered” to the point of having to move somewhere else…

Backstory: I live in a senior mobile home community. I own my home, I ‘rent’ the property it’s on. In front, on this property, there is a mature Japanese boxwood hedge, 30–40 years old. Boxwood is expensive, and this landscape feature is about 35 feet long, 7 feet high, and used to be about 12 or more feet deep, until the neighbor on the other side decided she wanted more backyard space, and undertook, with her new male roommate, to chop off the entire 6 foot depth of growth cascading over to her side. Imagine, if you can, about 20 shrubbery trunks, sporting large branches that are 5–6 feet long, leaning (cascading) in two directions, north and south. Imagine the privacy and beauty that mature foliage would provide. Now imagine half of it removed, without your permission, indeed, against your clear wishes and protestations. Imagine this going on for a month, each time, thinking the day’s chopping and clipping episode certainly must be the final assault.

I should also tell you that the new guy roomie was in the habit of using a power tool that made loud grinding and scraping noises, at any particular time of day or evening. Turns out he collected large rocks, for landscaping –hundreds of them, and used a power tool to shape them… Unbelievable! This was happening for three months before the hedge thing.

Now imagine that you are supposed to be an ‘expert’ in conflict resolution, and a model for seeking respectful communication, and looking for the good in people. And you have just been ‘violated,’ and will have to contact the manager and possibly the owner of the Park, that you hate confrontation, and it’s the middle of a global pandemic… The scene is now set.

I’m sharing with you, assuming you too, genuinely care about being honest, respectful, and pro-active in standing up for yourself, where needed — my NVC process, a letter I wrote first for myself, my own clarity, then shared with my wayward neighbors, and yes, even the manager and landlord. And I am sharing this with you too, because it brought me reparations from the latter.

HERE IS MY NVC: April 2020…

“It’s taken me two weeks to process my experience. I’m now able to articulate what I want to express in a cogent and respectful way. I’m choosing to share my feelings and needs with you, using a format developed by the late Marshall B. Rosenberg, creator of the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) menthod.

At 9:am-ish, when you came at the hedge, in attack mode, I was indoors meditating: I was startled: by the noise, and soon after by the sight of a man chopping off lengthy limb growth at the southern end of the hedge, that I had purposely kept long for privacy and better views.

I felt angry: that I was not consulted beforehand; by your crossing over the property line; by the damage to the hedge itself, especially at the western end, and to my views, both southern and western ends; and later, by another big mess to clean up after you.

I felt hurt: that none of you seemed to care about my feelings or needs, or rights…

I was confused: that you seemed to think the hedge was yours to alter; or that what happened was OK. Or why west end limbs were hacked down so close to the live bases of shrub-trunks, just to prevent some upper branch noises in the wind?

I was worried: that more of these kinds of events could happen at any time.

I felt (feel) like this because I need:

to feel safe from unwanted intrusions that distress my wellbeing. (including power tool noises, toxic chemicals)

to be respected around my property rights; and rights to “quiet enjoyment” of my home — which for me includes respect for Mother Nature. The hedge is a living thing that I tend, water, care about.

to be assured it won’t happen again: So I ask you, your friends, your landscapers to:

1. Consult with me — a day or two before — you undertake to alter the hedge in any way that directly alters my home, except for the foliage that hangs over your side of the barrier.

2. Understand that every time you cut it, the small pieces of shrubbery cut off the top can fly across into my yard. Both small and larger pieces fall through into the branches below, and/or onto the ground where, if left to dry, become fire tinder.

3. Agree to clean up thoroughly in the future, thank you.

4. Please mask up when in close proximity. Stop making loud noises at night. Try to not use toxic aerosol paints when the wind is blowing my direction. Again, thanks for listening.”