Get the lowdown on PERFORMANCE ANXIETY: from boardroom to bedroom
by Marcia Singer, MSW, CHt
A reader of my monthly column sent me this question:
Q: How do you reduce performance anxiety? I worry about what others are thinking of me all the time ─at work, in the gym, how I’m raising my kids, and often in bed with my partner… I want to do my best, be a stand-up and stand out guy, but without all the worrying. I wish I felt I felt good enough, especially during sex… Advice for me, in the sack? -Fessing up in Frustration
A: Performance anxiety is the discomfort experienced when treating any activity as if it were an audition (even an actual audition, lol) for life, as if it could make or break the rest of your life: That’s a sorry illusion, leading to much angst. Let’s focus for instance, on treating lovemaking as a performance or audition. Focused on how you’re doing, chances are you’re not having a good time, or even able to feel, let alone enjoy, your body sensations; You can’t experience the pleasure. Chances are that you’re also communicating that anxiety to your partner, your lover (your audience to this performance.) Performance anxiety kills pleasure and communion in lovemaking –and pretty much every other instance where stressing about how we’re doing, coming off, takes precedence over being present to engage with others. Performance anxiety (P.A.) interferes with flow, creativity, play, enjoyment. And have you ever performed in reverse? Trying to fake being turned on, or otherwise manufacturing a response, hoping to please or appease or rescue your partner, or try to avoid being chastised, or feeling rejected? This is so common, and most men are reluctant to talk about it, so I commend you for speaking up. Suggestions:
KEY #! Overcoming Performance Anxiety
1. Remember that you’re not a human doing, but a human being. You’re valuable just as you are.
2. Relax! This is not your only shot at fulfillment. Take a longer view of the Scheme Of Things.
3. Breathe. Repeat! This automatically grounds you, lets you be present for great connecting.
4. Stay organic, in the moment. Connecting with others from the heart is key to satisfaction.
5. Practice letting go of trying to control outcomes. Practice trusting togetherness.
6. Learn to receive, and to give, without a preconceived agenda. Imagine unconditional regard, appreciation for the exchanges you create with others –even the uncomfortable ones that teach us needed interaction lessons.
7. Be aware of your needs. Practice asking clearly, honestly. Bring your compassion and courage and openness. Allow your partner (any audience) to do the same. Take ‘no’s’ to heart, but not as serious commentary about your own self-worth.
8. Learn to make love without focusing on the genitals to the exclusion of a more erotic, full-bodied experience. Be a toucher, and a touchee — -the recipient of love touches. (This translates to any activity or interaction of importance to you: Leave room for the delightfully unexpected, or important “aha.”)
KEY #2 Becoming a Great Lover (or presenter/speaker, salesperson, singer, soccer player, baker, healer)
1. Relax! Enjoying sex (or anything else) with someone you genuinely like is naturally easy and satisfying.
2. Be “sense-you-all.” Use all your sense-abilities, especially tactile. Touch all over your bodies, potentially with any parts of your bodies that may produce pleasurable sensations. Be adventurous, while considerate and kind towards any special needs or concerns.
3. Don’t rush. Allow time for sufficient arousal.
4. Know about and communicate clearly about what feels good.
5. Technique, skills can be useful, but worrying about it is not. That communicates anxiety and often interferes with intimacy and mutual fulfillment. When you are centered and present, your experience, talents and skills are natively available.
6. Be honest and caring. Loving contact is what we all really need most.
