Feeling touchy? You’re not alone…
‘Non demand’ tactile communication is crucial to bonding — and hard to get. Here’s why and how.
Q: I’m feeling touchy and lonesome. My spouse and I no longer make love, our hugs are brief and predictable. Any thoughts?
Touching one another may be our most primary means of bonding and deep communion. Touch is also “the mother” of all the senses. Our touch habits help us feel at home in our bodies and relationships — or not.
Early touch experiences can have life-long impact. Did I receive more of the “I care” or the “beware” messages? Judgements of one another also are conveyed through touch language, adding to tension and alienation. Fortunately, we are also endowed by nature to connect and heal via tactile communication. We instinctively recognize the easy release that comes in a friendly hug, pat on the back, squeeze of the hand or a heartfelt kiss given without expecting anything in return.
Touching just for the joy and pleasure of it, without agendas, is nature’s own, yet we stop being consistent or spontaneous. We touch to evoke certain behavior from our kids, control a mate, or get attention. Our dysfunctional distress can bring multi-generational harm, such as when adults touch children seductively at home, school or places of worship. Invasive, confusing communication can impair a child’s ability to relate intimately for years to come.
If loving touch is an innate way to bond in love, why are millions of us deprived? Cultural and religious legacies contributed by confusing the innate sensual, sexual, pleasure-making and emotion-generating aspects of touch with sinfulness and our so-called animalistic, lower natures. Fixing this legacy is complicated, as is course correcting for abuses. We may over-protect. Conscientious teachers or coaches hesitate to offer supportive hugs to their wards. Children’s innocent explorative touches or uninhibited loving expressions get misconstrued as ‘bad,’ and are automatically punished, assuring another generation of self-distrusting touchers. But can’t we provide our youth with societal guidelines for how to touch ‘appropriately’ without shaming them, harming their spirits or self-esteem?
Studies have shown that touch deprivation is endemic; the U.S. is one of the most touch phobic nations. Tactile neediness breeds a touchy discontent. Many are living in quiet desperation, while others are driven towards violent acts. Deprivation may show as withholding shows of affection, or numbing out. When we’re suspicious of another’s motivations, our hugs get stiffer, or disappear. How ironic: we’re designed to thrive by expression a vast range of healthy, uninhibited touches. Our unexamined prohibitions inadvertently diminish the joy and peace, empathy, playfulness, vibrant health and well-being inherent in spontaneity. .
Heartfelt touches covey messages of welcome and safety to Be. Fearful touches have the opposite effect; we feel abandoned, alone, irritable. Freeing kind, loving tactile communication is a beautiful mindful practice, helping reduce shyness, irritability, workaholism, sexual dysfunction, eating disorders, substance abuse, and power issues that stem from a lack of early bonding.
A loving touch can save a life: I know, it saved mine.
It’s a huge challenge, becoming a more touch aware community, but we can do it. With gentle patience, we remember how to be honest and responsive. Our birthright is a natural well-being. Give Thanks this month for all our loving touchers. Shining deLight, Marcia
